Dreams

I'm already having a down day and my day hasn't even started. I had a dream that we got to take our little girl home and we loaded her up in the car and she was happy and healthy and holding her head up on her own. And then I realized it wasn't our baby and we had to give her back and go back to the hospital and be with our baby.

No one told me how hard it would be to see all the healthy babies, the normal pregnancies, and most recently, all the other babies who get to go home. The unit we're in is considered a step down unit. Most of the babies there get to go home pretty quickly. Every day I see people come in and every day I see some leave. They smile at us as they walk by and I smile back because I'm so happy for them. But at the same time I count the days, weeks, and now months that we've been there and I feel like that will never be me. That will never be us. And there are so many people around me having babies or are pregnant. I am so happy for them, I can't even tell you how happy. But again on the inside I'm so broken because of what happened to us. I'm so glad their babies are healthy because I never want anyone to feel the way I do. I just wish that could be me...

I'm getting ready to head to the hospital, again. My baby girl turned 11 weeks old yesterday. She's getting so big now. And even though I'm there every day, I feel like I am missing it. I'm missing everything.