We are 34 weeks and 2 days now. We hoped and prayed to make it this far, and here we stand. After what seemed to be a good appointment last week at the MFM, I received a call from Vanderbilt and the neurosurgeon there (the same one who did the surgery) thinks her ventricles are too enlarged now and recommended delivery after 34 weeks. This came as quite a shock to me considering whenever I voiced my concern about the hydrocephalus everyone told me not to worry; babies' skulls are flexible, the brain won't be damaged, etc etc. So now why all the sudden are we considering premature delivery? The news really shook my confidence in the whole situation that I was just starting to build up. I knew her head was getting big and I haven't experienced many other mothers who had babies with ventricles of this size. But why, after weeks of hovering around 40mm do we now decide it's better to deliver? No one seems to be able to answer my questions. We were already resigned to the fact that she would need a shunt, so that's not necessarily the issue.
Back to that planning part... We planned a normal pregnancy, and we see where that got us. We planned on 40 weeks to get ready, then lost three weeks due to having surgery and delivery requirements at 37 weeks. And then we just lost three more weeks due to this. I want my baby here, but darn it, this is just getting ridiculous... I am a planner. I plan everything! I plan what I'm going to do for the day, what I'll have for lunch, what outfit I will wear the next day, what time I will leave the house, and so on. My brain is a planning kind of brain. So when everything is unknown and everything is unplanned, my brain is not happy. And all this just leads to more unknowns: How long will we be in the hospital, what will Callie need, how will the tests turn out, will my family me able to meet her before they take her to the other hospital, will there be complications due to the earlier delivery date? I can go on and on because my brain cannot stop attempting to plan. I even dream about it! So Lord, laugh away and change my plans as you must, but just know, I'm not finding the humor in it anymore... Give me time.
As of now, we still don't have a set delivery date but we're pretty sure it'll be next week. The doctor at Riverside spent all day Friday waiting on a call from Vanderbilt. Now he is waiting to speak to the neuro team at Children's. In the last email I got, he thinks it will be Tuesday or Wednesday. Although I'm still worried, I'm ready to have her out. I'm ready to have some of these unknowns turn into some actual facts. And I just want to see her face. And hair... that for some reason seems really important to me.
Throughout this entire process, I've been told a million times how strong I am. I'd like to think I've been as strong as everyone thought I was. As much as I've shared the details of our situation, I'd like think I did not complain about what happened, only question it. It's not to say there hasn't been many sleepless nights and second thoughts, but in reality, I think maybe I did live up to the standards.
And, since this may be the last week I can blame anything on my pregnancy hormones... I hope the girl who left a not so nice message on my facebook wall in November about my "complaining about my situation" is nosy enough to still follow this blog. For you, I'm not mad, I don't hate you, I just feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you felt the need to bring someone down to make yourself feel better. I feel sorry that you couldn't appreciate the things going right in your life. I feel sorry that you had to say the things you did when I had done my best to be a strong and confident mommy in the situation I was given. But what I don't feel sorry for is what I said back to you, and I probably never will. I don't feel sorry for deleting you, I don't feel sorry for cutting you out of my life. And most of all, I'm so thankful that I've got the support of everyone that I do, so their words of encouragement and prayers could see me past everything that has happened. I wish you well.
I may do a quick update when we find out any specific details about delivery. But if not, the next time I update will be with pictures of a beautiful, healthy, red-headed (ok, we don't know this yet, but still!) baby girl. We love you all and the efforts of your prayers has shown us endless results! <3
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