Time

"Time heals all wounds". But does it really? Does a mother completely heal after the loss of her child? Does a wife completely heal after the loss of her husband? Do parents like me ever completely heal after life doesn't turn out anywhere near what you thought it would? I don't think so. I think the wound is a giant scar whether hypothetical or real. It's healed, but it's there every day. You see it every time you look in the mirror, every time you get dressed in the morning, every time you see someone with "your ideal". I see it in my scar, I see it in my daughter's scar. The scars are not ugly, they are a sign of bravery, a sign of taking the path least taken, a sign of the long journey ahead of us. But it is a constant reminder that our lives are far from normal. I think to myself, am I ever going to get over what has happened to us? And sometimes I think yes. Then something happens to bring it all back. Sometimes it's something big, like a surgery or hospitalization. But sometimes it's something so small as seeing a teenager with a healthy, happy baby. Not that I think ANYONE deserves something to be wrong with their child, because in my world, all children would be leading perfect, full, healthy lives for a long, long time. But my selfish mind runs over and over, why does this person who isn't even grown up, isn't even ready for a child graced with such a "normal" baby, and here we are making trips to the doctors every week, staying in the hospital frequently, about to put our child through her fifth surgery, and we were in a good place, we were ready, we deserved happiness in my mind. So no, I don't think time heals any or all wounds, they just hide them underneath stronger skin and you hope and pray it never comes open again.

With that being said, my daughter has made me such a strong person, and she inspires me to be happy no matter what. And I am. When she smiles, the room and my world light up. Having her has also toughened me up in a good way. I no longer put up with people who don't have my or Callista's best interests in mind, whether it be doctors or otherwise. I am a little quicker to let my temper get the best of me, but at the same time, before Callie, I rarely lost my temper or had a confrontation. And I'll admit that a temper isn't something to be proud of, it does feel nice to say what you need to say instead of tiptoeing around. It's almost given me freedom I didn't have before to shed the facade and truly be me. It's nice to be able to stand up for my daughter, myself, my family.

I also take our situation as an opportunity to educate. I was asked by someone if it was okay to ask questions about Callie. YES! And in fact I encourage it. There is so much misinformation out there and parents of SB children have the responsibility to get the correct info out there. If I tell one person, hopefully they make a connection with another, and so on. Instead of misunderstanding what SB is, we can make sure everyone knows what our kids are really like.

I also like to advocate for fetal surgery. I take every chance I get to talk to medical professionals here to get the word out. It's a foreign concept to most here, or they feel they have an understanding of it, but in reality they do not. It's so interesting to see exactly how much people (nurses, doctors, etc) want to hear about it. It's a hard decision to make, and it's definitely not for everyone, but it was definitely the right choice for us. I was meant to be the person to enlighten.

I guess I was feeling sentimental today or something, but perhaps that's because the tiniest love of my life has been smiling all day even through her reflux issues. Again, teaching me to smile and be strong (although I can't scream whenever it doesn't work ;))