I had a rather rough past couple of weeks....
Our MFM appointment didn't go as well as we hoped. We were inspired by our last ventricle measurements, but this past week, her ventricles increased again to more than they've ever measured. I cannot remember both measurments, but they were in the high 20's.... It was very disappointing news to hear. Although we're still happy with the fact that her little hands and feet (and legs, and elbows, and anything else she can poke me with) move like crazy. We're hoping the damage done wasn't far enough along to prevent her from ever walking. Of course, we've got a long way to go before we'll know...
I'm doing my best to behave myself and follow the rules of bed rest, but apparently my regular OB can disregard this as though it's no big deal. My first hurdle was the fact that they refused to do my one hour glucose test along with my regular four week appointment, which meant I had to make another trip out the next week, just to have that done. Then on Friday, they called me to let me know my glucose was 139 and their cut off is 135. So now I had to go in AGAIN for the third time in three weeks (all the while still making my trips to Riverside every week, which take about 5-6 hours total by the time they're complete.) As I researched, I found that most doctor's offices have a cut off of 140 and that's the general guideline, but instead I have to go take the three hour glucose test.
Yesterday, my mom took me bright and early to the lab and we were there from 7:30am to almost 12pm. Getting stuck four times and drinking the nasty sugar drink wasn't even the worst of it. It was FREEZING in the lobby where they expected me to sit for the entire four hours (again, can we say "BED REST"?). I actually had to ask for a blanket because I was shivering. Add in the nausea from drinking the yucky thing, the headache from not eating, and the back and hip ache from being on bed rest for 5 weeks now, I was not a happy camper. I was even more agitated when the woman doing my tests basically questioned as to why I was even doing it since the cut off they have is 140. GRRRR. As of now I'm still awaiting the results. Luckily, a friend of my mom's works there and came out to see us, and ended up getting us an exam room to wait in so I could lay down. It was seriously a mess....
I guess what's frustrating the most out of this is wondering what the heck could possibly go right in this pregnancy, because so far my enjoyable moments are outweighed by all of the crap we've had to go through. I try not to let it get to me, but at what point is enough considered enough? Of course, this leads me to my next dilemma...
My husband and I had the serious discussion awhile back that we will not be having any more biological children. It's been too hard of a journey and the numbers are just not in our favor. As much as I'd love to have a normal pregnancy to know what it's like, it's not a chance I'm willing to take. If I wasn't so good at statistics, we might think differently, but I can run the numbers:
- 1 in 1500 babies have spina bifida (.06%)
- My bloodwork showed a 1 in 465 chance of spina bifida (.21%)
- The chances of having another child with spina bifida.... 4%
Sorry for the randomness of this post, too many things to think about when you've got all this time on your hands. Above is her profile and a 3D pic of her face, well, what she'll let us see.... And yeah, that's her hand AND her foot by her head lol.
Hello there. My name is Lisa and I've kinda been where you are. I didn't do the fetal surgery but the rest of it, I totally get. Especially the overloaded brain. I know you already know this, but you are thinking too much and its killing you. Literally. Its making everything seem worse. Ever seen a kiddo so tired that he's not himself and doesn't want to sleep? Thinking too much does that to an adult. Its like this aweful cycle where we think till our minds turn to mush then we still TRY to think with the mush. At a certain point you have to tell yourself that you no longer even know what you're thinking about any more. I know its hard. Us planners want things lined up. We want to know what to expect tomorrow. ANd next week, next year and in five years. Your baby is going to take that from you if you will let her. Try and Let her. You don't really need it anyway. (The planning only leads to worrying about how you will make it work and then frustration when it enevitably deviates from what you first thought) Your princess will be a bundle of surprises. (And not all scary ones either!) lol
ReplyDeleteForget the adoption thought if you can. In fact forget anything you safely can right now. Don't be robbed of these moments NOW. As psycho as they are, the good is buried in there, like Gold nuggets in a mountain of rocks. Enjoy the moments you can but be TOTALLY aware that the reward is on its way to you. You are walking through hell so that you can hold a piece of heaven. So few people are chosen for something so precious. Your little girl is extraordinary! The moment you hold her for that first time will make all this crap worth it....and all the other snuggles she'll give you....they are the moments you live for and live IN. The rest of life, houses, jobs, five year plans, the future... they are nothing compared to baby snuggles. Being "present focused" isn't easy, but its the only thing that got me through the really touch times in pregnancy. Narrow those planning skills, momma...don't think TOO far ahead, and you will surprise yourself with how great things turn out even without your planning. :)
You are an amazing woman. You are doing what few will ever have to do. You are doing it WELL! Callista has the perfect mommy for her! Anytime you need to chat/vent etc, my e-mail is mrskugler@yahoo.com