Just Can't Win

We just cannot win...

I'm to the point where I'm tired of hearing how strong I am, how God has a plan, and how things will get better. I'm just done. I've got no patience left and I'm trying hard to keep some sort of faith but it's getting harder and harder as each day passes. Yes usually I'm a pretty positive person, but I just feel dead inside. It's a combination of being here at this stupid hospital again and having your child continually quit breathing on you. I'm just done.

She has no episodes until we get here. It's every freaking time we walk in the room. I call in the morning to see how her night went and everything always goes smoothly. Then we get here and she immediately has an episode of not breathing, heart rate dropping, etc. I'm scared to even look at or touch my own daughter because every time I do, she has some sort of fit.

Everyone wants to go on and on about how strong I am. Here's how strong I am. I cry EVERY DAY. I cry when I'm in the shower. I cry when I read about all these girls/women who are having happy, healthy babies and the worst thing they are worried about is the weight they will gain. I get mad when people tell me "God has a plan" because this is not His plan for me. Why would he do this to me? I get aggravated when people tell me "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Because this is now more than I can handle. I cannot handle sitting here just watching my daughter struggle, not being able to hold her because if I do, she will stop breathing. I cannot handle being in this hospital one more freaking day. I cannot handle the questions of how is she, what's going on, what do you know, how will they fix it, when do you get to come home. I am just done.

I'd say I'm sorry for the negativity, but right now I'm not. Right now I need to be angry at my situation because for the last seven months of my life I've put on a smiling face, I've pretended to be happy, and I'm not. And I've expended too much energy trying to be what everyone thought I was and I can tell how much it's wearing on me by the look of my eyes, my dark circles, and my body. I'm not bitter, I'm just dead inside for now, and I'm allowed to be.